I never wanted this. This desire to be in front of the camera. I always wanted to be in pre-production. To be the writer. To be the storyteller. Yet, here I am, the face of my own Youtube channel and continually hating 90% of the videos I release. I don’t think I’ve sold out, I’m just disappointed that I got lost in all this “internet fame” pursuit. Chasing numbers can get so boring and so depressing when it doesn’t go your way. LITERALLY as I’m writing this someone just tweeted me to “check out” their latest video which has nothing to do with me and has nothing to do with the tweet he was replying to. Isn’t this just a fucked up world? You try and be popular in high school, not when you grow up. I was always feel like I need approval from my social media posts. That if a status doesn’t get enough likes or comments that it’s not worthwhile to keep it posted. Youtube’s the same. If I wake up in the morning and a certain amount of views hasn’t been met I doubt myself. And I know you have to do Youtube “because you love it” and it’s the sole reason I’m still doing it. But there are times that you step back from the everything and just look at it as toxic.
I have friends who have millions of views and x amount of subscribers yet you look and their lives and they’re just not happy. It almost feels like you’re a monkey dancing in front of a camera, convincing the audience that you care about their opinions, but let’s be honest, you don’t really give a fuck when it comes down to it. You care to a certain point, and then when things get too personal, the youtuber will back off and not reply. Watching people livestream is so fucking cringe worthy. Reacting to little teenagers comments and thanking them for giving them a “like or love heart,” it’s pretty sad. I know, because I used to livestream and it gets to the point where you’re like “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” People from the outside glorify Youtubers so much they have no idea the struggles we go through everyday. I was dedicating hours upon hours to watching other peoples videos. Making sure I write a witty comment just in case they see it and then check my channel out. It is a fucking disgusting cycle when you have to do it all the time everyday. Then you come to the great big “collaboration” that thing you’re supposed to do to grow your channel. It’s all a fucking lie. A majority of the time, you’re not collaborating because you want to. You’re doing it because you want to steal their audience. And that is the fucking truth, and anyone who denies it that they’ve never done that is probably lying or has terrible self reflection skills.
The reason I first quit was because I saw my videos become something that wasn’t my own. Without me even knowing, I did the bravest thing and I quit my Youtube channel and went off the grid. Didn’t really watch anyone’s videos. Changed my twitter and instagram back to my personal name and chased alternate dreams. I don’t know how that Kevin would react to present day Kevin. Now, he had some crazy dreams, and now I feel I’ve let myself down. A shadow of what I could’ve been. I’m good with a camera, I know that. But you wouldn’t know because I have to be in front of the camera for my channel. And for my videos, I have to say all the best lines. I have to look good on camera and I have to keep a certain persona on the internet and I CAN’T DO THE VIDEOS I WANT TO DO because it doesn’t fit into my channel categories or doesn’t poll well on Youtube. This is why I envy those who don’t give a fuck. Like actually don’t. Everyone hated on Nicole Arbour on her “dear fat people” video but in all honesty, people think like that and worse, say that to people’s faces in real life. Everyone promotes “freedom of speech” yet when they hear things they don’t want to hear, they get really touchy. People kill people everyday. Terrorism is real. Poverty, incest , and rape are real. Making fun of disabled people and pure racism are all fucking real, do not “flag it” because you don’t want to see it. Ignoring it does not solve the problem. EVEN NOW as I type this, I don’t really want to publish this blog now because it will piss people off. And I’m one of those people who hates pissing people off seriously. But part of the reason I’m writing this is because no one else will. I realize I have a good persona online and in real life. People supposedly enjoy my company and this can hamper that. But I gotta say these things, for a majority of us, Youtube is hell and we’re all slaves making videos so companies can make money off us.
NOTE: Above was a rant I did in one night. I’m still going to keep it though. It represents an unspoken part of Youtube.
It’ not all bad on the Youtube side. I used to be that shy introverted boy. I wouldn’t know how to talk to people and especially the opposite sex. But Youtube empowered me. It gave me confidence that I never would’ve achieved and which led me to opportunities I never would have gotten. It gave me practice in the craft of video making, screenwriting, and editing. Most people finish school with 2 or 3 videos. I finished school with 100’s of videos. But now it’s gotten back to that point where I feel my videos aren’t up to my standards. This isn’t a goodbye, I’ve done that before. It’s a thank you. Thank you for giving me the confidence that I have to feel invincible at times when I shouldn’t be. At times I can’t hold on, I look back and remember everything I’ve done on YouTube that led to the wonderful opportunities I’ve had and the friends I’ve made.
Next year will be different. I’m tired of letting trends control me. No more schedules. When I have a video up, it will be up. But know it’s something that I want to release and bloody will be produced amazingly as welll! I wanna do Youtube my way.
Thanks for reading, onliners. #BangBang
Watch my final video for the year